Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas

Sleighed N’ Slayed

Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas
aka Dont Open Till Christmas (sic)
Directed by Edmund Purdom
UK 1984

Warning: Santa spoilers aplenty.

I love Italian gialli but I don't think much of US slashers... for the most part. I was initially drawn to Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas because Caroline Munro is in it (yeah, I’ll get to that later). As I watched though, it became clear that this was actually a British slasher trying to look like a successful American counterpart... which turned out to be an interesting aspect of the picture. A movie I’m quite undecided about but... okay... let me start at the beginning, where the real horror lies.

After a brief scene setting up a Santa killer... being a killer of people dressed like Santa, not a killer dressed as Santa himself... which sees a Santa sexing up his girlfriend in a car before both are stabbed up good by the killer, possessing the full cliché presentation of POV roving camera with deep breathing on the soundtrack... the two elements of horror and sheer terror come to light.

Firstly, it turns out one of the producers of the film is Dick Randall. My first thought was... did anyone get paid? I bet this was a troubled shoot. I have a good amount of respect and admiration for the cheapy producer but I knew then and there not to take this movie in any way seriously. As the credits role while a Santa ornament slowly burns, we find out that the film stars distinguished actor Edmund Purdom. Not only that, the film is directed by him, which was apparently the deal if he was going to star in it... although I hear trouble with the shoot meant he quit directing half way through and at least three directors had their turn at finishing it. Oh yeah, did I mention Dick Randall produced this? Anyway, to be fair, for a film which kept having scenes rewritten and lots of reshoots, it does hold together really well, it has to be said.

Then the second, true horror of the movie is revealed... the release print title is... and I really don’t like even having to type this crime against punctuation but it can’t be helped... Dont Open Till Christmas. So, yeah, not only did the people titling this not realise that the proper shortening of the word Until should be written ‘til (no, language doesn’t change... it just gets mangled by troglodytes and then followed blindly by idiots who don’t know any better) but they’ve also left the apostrophe out of Don’t. So, yeah, don’t show this film to the easily impressionable or they will never be correct about grammar and spelling again.

Anyway, getting over that shock, the film is a police procedural starring Purdom as Police Inspector Harris who, with his assistant Sergeant Powell (played really quite well for an actor struggling with a troublesome script, by Mark Jones), are investigating a series of Santa-themed killings in London, as anyone wearing a Santa suit is fair game for the twisted killer. And, despite some really good acting by a number of the cast, they can’t seem to outrun the fact that the film actually looks quite amateurish in some ways. Can’t quite put my finger on why but there’s something less than professional about the whole production, it seems to me. And Des Dolan’s score is going full on ‘slasher electronica’ to try and distract from things but, yeah, it never quite succeeds in successfully adding a glossy veneer. But, like I said, although some scenes don’t quite make sense in terms of dialogue, following on from others which cover the same verbal territory, it does still hold together in a coherent manner (if that’s all you need).

There are three things that make up for the lack of production values, however...

One is the early 1980s London locations. It was great seeing places like Covent Garden, Hamleys toy shop and the Portobello Road Market just as I remember them from when I was a teenager. There’s even an extended chase and kill scene which takes place in The London Dungeon in Tooley Street (which I think is where it was located at the time, if memory serves). This film was a real nostalgia trip for me and I loved that aspect of it. I’d also forgotten that the old ‘Nee Naw Nee Naw’ style police car sirens were still in effect at that time in England.

Two, some of the kills are inventive and, sometimes well done (at least in the depicted aftermath). For instance, there’s a peeing Santa who has his penis cut off, a spear through face killing, a guy who gets roasted on his own roast chestnut stove and a bizarre kill featuring a Rosa Klebb style knife boot coupled with a spiky glove reminiscent of the ones worn in Rollerball (reviewed here). So, there was a kind of inventiveness at play in some of the gorier scenes for sure. Added to a generous amount of ‘glamour sleaze’ brought to the production from actresses like Pat Astley, who had been in films like Rosie Dixon Night Nurse, Come Play With Me (reviewed here) and The Playbirds (reviewed here)... and the film is certainly far from boring, at the very least.

And then, good thing number three is Caroline Munro. She doesn’t have much to do, playing Miss Munro, a pop star, who dances and sings her way on stage for one number before showing what a good screamer she can be when a severed head pops up in front of her. She was the main draw for me here but the scene only lasts about two minutes and was filmed in one day, by all accounts.

All in all, it’s a terrible film and, it has to be said, terribly predictable. The title and a Christmas gift given to Purdom at the start will end exactly as you think it will and you will be in no doubt of the identity of the killer, despite some red herrings pushed very hard, by the last act. The killer himself, played by Alan Lake, shortly before his early death, is actually quite watchable and, again, adds something to proceedings. But the film really is obvious so that’s a point against it. Overall, I’d have to say my take-away response to Don’t Open ‘Till Christmas is actually quite confused. On the one hand, it’s a terrible, amateurish looking movie which I really couldn’t recommend to anybody but, on the other hand, I actually quite liked it. Indeed, the London location scenes and, of course, the wonderful Caroline Munro, means I might actually have a look at grabbing a Blu Ray copy of this to watch again at some point. I’d definitely hesitate before committing to buying this as a first time watch though, for sure.