Death Has Blue Eyes

Dangerous Minds

Death Has Blue Eyes
aka To koritsi vomva
USA 1976 Directed by Nico Mastorakis
Arrow Blu Ray Zone B

Warning: Full spoilerage but, honestly, it’s not that kind of movie. You won’t care.

Well this is certainly a little gem of a movie... for all the wrong reasons to be sure but, hey, I’m going to recommend this one to all my friends. This movie is the very epitome of ‘so bad it’s good’ and it’s a pleasure to make its acquaintance.

I’ve not seen anything directed by Mastorakis before but this is his first feature, although it was released after the second film he shot, the notorious Island Of Death (which is still in my ‘to watch’ pile from when I picked it up in a sale at Fopp records a few years ago). However, when Arrow released this one, I couldn’t resist the wonderful new poster art (the old poster on the reversible sleeve is pretty snazzy too) and the terrible trailer which promised some kind of ‘lady psychic assassins’... so I used some of the Arrow points I’ve acquired over the years and redeemed it for a free copy of Arrow’s new Blu Ray.* I’m so glad I did.

After a very short title sequence involving an eyeball which is prominent on the cover art but really doesn’t seem to have a whole lot to do with the plot or characters, we meet the two male protagonists of the film. Ches the gigolo (played by Hristos Nomikos) meets his equally unemployable friend Rob, played by Peter Winter. Neither of them have any money so they blag and steal a chauffer driven car due to a scam involving a mistaken identity, charge a nice meal to a random room in a hotel (where they meet two ladies, more on these two in a minute) and then go back to gigolo Ches’ lady friend’s house while she’s out of the country. Here, he lets Rob have sex with one of his latest lovers and, after a brief respite, they all have a threesome... only to be caught by Ches’ returning client as she catches them all.

Then the two layabouts get hired by a mother and daughter... Jessica Dublin as ‘mother’ Geraldine and Maria Aliferi as ‘daughter’ Christine...  to be their bodyguard against a group of gangsters after them. The daughter possesses telepathic powers and witnessed a murder with her mind and now the two are being pursued by hostile parties. Well, what can I say? These two wastes of space, Ches and Rob, are the worst bodyguards in the world and the film basically continues through various sequences as attempts are made on their lives... but riddled with numerous bike, car and helicopter chases shoe horned in around a ludicrous amount of sex scenes with a dash of The Fury or Scanners thrown in for good measure. And then, at the end, it turns out the mother and daughter are really the two assassins, combining their mental strength to single out an important target... and the gangsters are government agents who do their best to kill everyone... even though Ches and Rob are often loafing around somewhere entirely away from the girls half the time and aren’t really integral to the plot. A plot which kind of just goes on around them without them doing much other than looking laid back and goofing around while trying to dodge bullets.

And it really is like you’re watching a Greek director trying his best to shoot a really dodgy British sex comedy and just putting extra action scenes and loose science fiction concepts in it to add a dash of flavour. The amount of times there will be a stretched pretext for the chance to get one of the two male leads rolling around with completely ‘new to the plot’ naked ladies... including the lady on the poster who’s only purpose seems to be to pose topless while holding a gun in a scene... is ridiculous.

 For example, even though Ches, Rob and Christine are trying to get back to safety after an incident, Ches plays a joke on Rob and ends up driving off and stranding him... for no reason whatsoever and while they’re supposed to be escaping with their lives. So Rob hitches a ride with a young lady who drives a proper Formula One style racing car around the streets, for reasons known only to herself... and then goes back to her apartment for some sexiness. When Christine uses the power of her mind to find out where Rob is, she uses her mental telepathy to reduce his erection so he can’t give the racing car lady what she so desires. It’s all a bit odd and stretched (not Rob’s unhappy love rod... I mean the plausibility of having the scene in the first place).

Similarly, when they know an attempt will probably be made on the girl’s lives one night, Rob and Ches both go out. Rob to see a stripper and Ches to a job interview which turns into the lady doing the interview stripping him and sexing him up also. What the heck? Seriously guys? It really is like a terrible sex comedy with action trimmings and it really does have to be seen to be believed.

And then the end of the movie makes no sense at all. Rob and Ches kinda stop the assassination attempt and kill Geraldine. This causes the psychic link established with Christine to be severed and she forgets all her wrong doing. The government give Rob and Ches a big suitcase full of money and they take turns cuddling the reformed Christine on a beach as waves break over them. Um... yeah, maybe this is how Greek authorities deal with things like this over there?

And all this is served with a soundtrack by Nikos Lavranos which is very appropriate to the tone of the movie. And by that I mean it runs the gamut from overly dramatic piano music, through some kind of porno comedy sound and onto some kind of wah wah action jazz funk which wouldn’t be out of place in an episode of The Professionals. Arrow have included selections from the score as an extra but, alas, it’s not on a CD and just something you can only listen to if the Blu Ray is loaded in to a player and not through your stereo system. Which means I’ll probably never get around to listening to it because... dammit... if you’re going to tease us with an extra of this nature, then put it on a damn CD, for goodness sake. It’s not hard.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about this one. The mixture of ideas coupled with the flimsy artifice that this isn’t trying to be a sex comedy and the constant threat of telekinesis bomb girl... who has bizarre, high pitched synthesiser notes associated with her powers which sound just like someone is using a penny slide whistle and will doubtless provoke mirth from anyone who hears it... all makes for a really silly time and I have to say that, because it’s just so awful, Death Has Blue Eyes has got to be one of my favourite discoveries of the year. This certainly won’t be the last time I watch this one and I’m really glad I invested in the Blu Ray from Arrow.

*New at time of writing the first draft of this, at any rate.