Giallo Meltdown 2

Three Cats On
Crystal Velvet

Giallo Meltdown 2
By Richard Glen Schmidt
ISBN 9798853807204

“Serena just exposed her Grandis and I am hoping that Fabio will flash his Testis at us.”
Richard Glen Schmidt, Giallo Meltdown 2

This is a review of a book filled with a bitter-sweet sadness and melancholy towards the end of the experience but, also filled with descriptions of nudity, murder, carnage, cats (Spasmo, Gorgon and Cheese), band practice, garden work, fine dining and cigar breaks. I’ll leave it up to your imagination as to which of those things are referring to the films themselves and which are referring to the writer’s, not to mention his wife LeEtta’s, personal experiences of sitting down to long weekends of binge watching genre entertainment in various formats and states of quality.

Yup... following on from the wildly entertaining tomes Giallo Meltdown - A Moviethon Diary (reviewed here), Cinema Somnambulist (reviewed here) and Doomed Moviethon (reviewed here), Richard Glen Schmidt once again treats his target audience of deranged genre explorers to another ramble through his personal gialloscape with Giallo Meltdown 2.

Now, I have to warn you that it may take a little while to get into the very first book of his you pick up (as I’m sure I probably flagged in other reviews) because Schmidt’s style of writing is much more a stream of consciousness approach to the review process rather than something more academic (so I guess that makes him comparable to Joyce and Kerouac, right?). But it’s worth persevering because, frankly, these books (including this very tome) are absolutely entertaining as hell... and I totally love them. I honestly can’t imagine not picking up a new Schmidt tome to snigger and wonder through... which is where the sadness of this review also kicks in... I’ll get to that later.

Okay, so what we have is another series of the kind of moviethons (aka binge watch movie sessions) which also inform and entertain on his website, www.doomedmoviethon.com. So yeah, there are some glorious ‘go to’ reviews bound up in session chapters with titles such as Let’s Go To Asia, Bruh (A Giallo For A Gweilo) and The Blood In Spain Falls Mainly From The Vein. Personally I’d like to add some caveats at this point. I don’t usually have criticisms of Richard’s work because, once you realise that a lot of what he says is not to be taken at face value (aka it’s a straight lie, take a pinch of salt) and that he’s joking pretty much 80% of the time (in the absolute best way), then it’s easy to read these books in a very relaxed manner and not get bent out of shape. But...

... in this particular tome he’s included a lot of things that I wouldn’t personally class as gialli... and what’s more, he knows some of his choices will wind people up and so he defends those choices admirably (not successfully but... admirably ;-)). So while I’m completely on board for a cinematic giallo not having to be originating in Italy (which reminds me, there’s a really gialloish Asian movie I have to recommend to this guy... if only I could remember the damned title) I’m less inclined to treat genres such a krimi (there’s a whole chapter dedicated to those and, franky, if you dedicate a whole chapter to something then surely that’s enough to acknowledge it’s something else other than something found in another chapter... if you see what I mean) or straight up supernatural horror films would fall into the same category. But, as Richard says... write your own book! He says that he was going to include Argento’s Suspiria in this one specifically to annoy certain readers (like myself, I guess) but couldn’t face watching it again at that time for whatever reason.

So allow me just a quick detour and then back to the review. To me, the modern movie buying landscape overuses the term giallo deliberately. Take the fine film The Perfume Of The Lady In Black, for example. It’s a movie featuring a supernatural ghost and a bunch of cannibals (okay, one of those terms may be a bit of a spoiler which you’ll hopefully forget about if you’ve not seen that classic before). It’s not a giallo but it’s been labelled as such on DVDs and Blu Rays over the last 15 or so years. I can just see a cynical marketing guy working at one of the companies (all of the companies) saying, slap a ‘giallo’ label on the front somewhere, it’ll sell more. I’m also a little dismayed at the term ‘cult cinema’ but... that’s a whole other can of worms.

But I digress... back to this truly delightful tome again. If you want to smile your way through a book, then Richard Glen Schmidt’s often nonsensical, more often endearing ramblings are an instant recipe for turning those mouth muscles up on themselves. And even the humour can often be laced with a keen observation or three. So I would say there are at least three types of humour on display in these mental meanderings. There’s straight up humour such as “This movie is some sloppy, ramshackle bullslap but I’m enjoying the sensation of my melted brain leaking out of my eyes.” or “We made it an all-round indulgence by getting some Starbucks as well. The poor company is so broke, so we are happy to help.”

Then there’s the incisive, satirical criticism of things which pull a rock off the ground to reveal a certain amount of truth... now I’m English but I don’t eat Indian food. Even so, I found his acerbic comment about our country to reveal more than a kernel of truth when, in the chapter marking the occasion of sitting down and watching UK gialli, entitled Ello Guvna! You’re Right Fit... For A Casket he writes “Like a proper British couple, LeEtta and I order an Indian takeaway from our Taj Indian Cuisine.” Yup... funny but true, for most Brits I would say.

And then there’s the other style of humour he uses which really makes for a sometimes enlightening but also quite clever read when it comes to his stuff. And these are aimed at people who really know the subject matter that he’s talking about... I imagine that some of these seemingly throwaway comments would seem a bit abstract if you don’t know some of the films and players in question. For instance, when watching British thriller Twisted Nerve he makes the comment, “Gee, this soundtrack by Bernard Herrmann sure does sound familiar.” And, you know he knows exactly why it would sound familiar to a younger generation of Tarantino fans but, he doesn’t elaborate (thankfully, because that’s part of his charm). Similarly, when talking about Dario Argento’s excellent giallo The Stendhal Syndrome, he introduces Asia Argento’s character as “Police detective and known fish kisser, Anna Manni...”. Again, if you haven’t seen the fantastic opening scene of the film in question you might be at a loss as to how to take this stuff.

Because of the international flavour enabled by mixing it up with the countries of origin in this volume, it means you’ll get people like Jess Franco, Paul Naschy, Clint Eastwood and Bruce Willis making ‘guest appearances’ in the book. There’s also a Norman J. Warren Joke that I totally failed to ‘get’, I’m afraid to say. I guess I’ve not seen enough of his movies.

Included as kinda bonus pieces in random places (so maybe a better analogy given the subject matter would be Easter Eggs) are two sections, one which reprints some of his hand written notes from when he’s watching the movies (which doubles up on the fact that this man has a proper writing process, as far as I’m concerned) and also a nice section of giallo inspired comic strips by his wife LeEtta. She always illustrates the wonderful covers of these books - front and back (there are nice drawings of Spasmo, Gorgon and Cheese on the back cover of this one) but it’s also nice to see some of her other stuff highlighted. There’s an especially gorgeous splash page by her of A Lizard In A Woman’s Skin included here. You can see more of her work and even purchase some of it at her website here... https://www.theleemsmachine.com

And now for the sad stuff. There are portents all the way through the book and, by the end of the last chapter, the truth is revealed. This was his last moviethon. By my reckoning the guy must be almost ten years younger than me but, for some insane reason, he no longer wants to binge watch fifteen or so movies a weekend. I can sympathise though, if I wasn’t writing this blog I know I’d be getting through at least ten films a week (that’s another story though and I have no desire to stop writing anytime soon). It’s sad because, honestly, I truly look forward to the years when a new Richard Glen Schmidt hits the shelves. I love my time spent between the covers of his epic ramblings. There is a little hope because, he mentions he won’t give up writing about film (yay), just won’t be binging them in this fashion in future (nay). So, I continue to hold out hope that another tome will be coming out at some point.

Either way, Giallo Meltdown 2 is an absolutely funny and laugh out loud read (or would be if I ever LOL’d) and I can’t recommend it enough... once you’ve acclimatised yourself to this man’s writing style and allowed your mind and body to just go with it. Also, you don’t need to read his four books, to date, in any order, either. You could start on this one and then go back to the others if you like... if you wanted to be all George Lucas about your approach to it. So yeah, big recommendation from me and, please, bring on the next book as soon as possible. Schmidt is no James Bond but Sean Connery himself surely taught us all to never say never.

And check out his blog at https://www.doomedmoviethon.com, for sure.

Doomed Moviethon

Thon Voyage

Doomed Moviethon
by Richard Glenn Schmidt
Create Space Publications
ISBN: 9781540577269

Doomed Moviethon is the third of Richard Glenn Schmidt’s print version spin offs of his web site... being about the author, his wife and the occasional friend binge watching various long stretches of movies over a weekend... linked sometimes quite tenuously by a common theme. You can read my reviews of his two previous tomes, Giallo Meltdown - A Moviethon Diary (right here) and Cinema Somnambulist (right here) and this one, if you’re a newcomer to these books, is very much a case of the author’s enthusiastic but somewhat sardonic style being an acquired taste... something which I acquired about a third of the way through the first book I read of his. Certainly, once I’d gotten into his first volume, I’ve not looked back since... which is a handy tip I would reserve for most readers actually... don’t look back while you’re reading these things or you’ll never be able to see the book you’re holding and quite possibly get dizzy trying to read just dead air. Instead, look forwards so the book is fully in view for best results.

If you can get past the fact that some of the English language used here is mangled and realise, as I did fairly early on with these books, that these are often incidents of deliberate linguistic sabotage on the part of the author for the sake of being silly and entertaining - not to mention the confidence of not explaining the jokes, you’ll either get them or you won't depending on your prior experience of certain films at hand... then you should have as good a time as I do with these books. Especially once you realise that all normal rules of engagement pertaining to critical discourse about these movies are out the window. Richard does completely his own thing here and these are movie responses and reactions to the bizarre and mostly silly films he manages to pick out for his moviethons and, not something which is going to inform you too much about the actual motion picture art in question... although I have to say, I do learn things from his books too.

Once again the book is split into chapters, with each of the 18 chapters covering a specific viewing bonanza. This one also has a little introduction covering the birth of the ‘moviethon’ with the author watching video rentals with his best friend as a kid. There are clear chapters for moviethons dedicated to various of the hot names which a lot of genre fans will happily embrace... such as chapters entitled Argentophobia, Bavadoom, Franco Friday and Video Naschy... as well as chapters which wouldn’t personally appeal to me... like three on American Slashers, which I mostly hate as a genre, give me an Italian giallo any day of the week and I’ll be happy. However, the author’s sense of fun and enthusiasm for even the movies he absolutely hates is infectious and makes each and every chapter a delight.

There are also some nice points which he and I share in common and which gave me a warm feeling in the brain when I read his wisdom on certain things. For instance, I was pleased that he singled out the “punk rock stripper chick with the bullwhip” in Norman J. Warren’s Terror as I also mentioned her in my recent review of the film (right here). Similarly, some of the sessions are obviously throwbacks from quite a while ago as he touches on how difficult it was to get a decent looking bootleg of Dario Argento’s Four Flies On Grey Velvet to watch. Ah, yes, I remember those dark days when the film in question was almost impossible to get hold of and each new bootleg edition was a slight improvement on the previous one... I think I now have five or six different versions now on DVD and Blu Ray and... hooray... the Grey Velvetless days are finally over.

And, yes, if you’re wondering, Schmidt is very up front about where and how he sources his ‘viewing copies’. If he’s watching a muddy, dark DVDR transfer converted from a VHS copy of dubious quality, he will let you know about it and I find this both this honesty and his level of commitment to watching what he needs to watch, whether it’s been released commercially or not, a refreshing attitude in today's bizarrely PC and ‘corporate obsequious’ world. Like me, I suspect he’s happy to go down the bootleg route if it means he can see films before such a time when cartoonists would be able to legitimately draw pictures of him with little crosses where the eyes should be, instead of healthy, living dots.

As usual with this writer’s books, there’s a huge amount of humour and I did find myself entertained, especially when his sentiments reminded me of my own dad’s reaction to certain things. For instance, when he’s talking about Karl Malden in Dario Argento’s Cat O Nine Tails, he gives us the ‘fun fact’* that Malden’s nose got separate billing and its own trailer. And moments like this or when, for example, he will refer to the vampires in Paul Naschy’s Night Of The Werewolf and Werewolf Shadow as “God damn grandstanding bloodsucking undead attention-whores”, really give a reader a good time and a certain accessibility where some more respected critics might lose out in credibility points (and it also helps if you know the movies too, of course, to see the kernel of truth behind some of Schmidt’s words).

Also, how many critics will make a point on counting the number of bosoms and penises that pop up in the viewing experience and give you a running count at the end of a ‘thon? Not many I’m sure. And I’m pretty sure no other grand appreciator of movies has ever written the phrase “Oh man, we just got De Palma’d right in the Hitchcock!” before either.

I should probably mention the fearlessness of the author too, when it comes to watching something he calls Disco Of Death (spoiler... no films with actual death in them but how he got through these terrible movies I’ll never know). And also, that strange combination of both bravery and total insanity in the chapter entitled, Elvis Is My CoPilot because, well seriously, who would attempt to watch a movie with Elvis in it, let alone the amount of them he endures here? This is serious dedication to going to new lows in movie watching as far as I’m concerned. Although, I did learn the interesting fact that Barbara Steele was replaced by Barbara Eden of I Dream Of Jeannie fame in one Elvis movie. And extra credit has to go to the writer here for managing to write about Barbara Eden without once mentioning her bellybutton. Strangely, no navel warfare is on display in his shenanigans here but I was okay with that.

And the book is full of surprises too. Is it a spoiler to say that you’ll turn the page and find two photographs of his constant companions, his cats Crisco and Sparkles? Maybe but they’re adorable and another lure to buy the book in my opinion. And I say this being a dog person myself, Schmidt is obviously a cat person. But, when I say that, I mean he just likes cats and is not, in fact, an escaped experiment from the island of Dr. Moreau.  

Doomed Moviethon is an absolute blast and I’m sure you can probably tell I had a good time with it. Once again, his other constant companion, his wife LeEtta, has done the cover art and I have to say it’s my absolute favourite of the three covers she’s done for her husband. A more minimalistic approach with a colour wash leading down to Richard, LeEtta and the two cats on a sofa... and also a wonderful back cover illustration which is the exact reverse of that, where we are looking at them from behind and see some of the items on the wall where the TV they are watching is. Yeah, this is a really great cover and, as I said, a really great book full of humorous commentary about a whole bunch of films, some of which you’ll probably be familiar with and some... maybe not so much. This one is as good a jumping on point as either of the other two (I don’ think these moviethons are strictly chronologically presented and probably interpenetrate around viewing sessions in other books) and all are worth a look if you are into things like horror, giallo and exploitation films... among others. Also, anybody who loves Josie And The Pussycats as much as I (it’s one of the greatest movies of its decade) really deserves huge sales for going on record and defending that magnificent and mostly misunderstood movie in print. Definitely give this guy some of your time and money and also look him up at http://www.doomedmoviethon.com and also https://doomedmoviethon.blogspot.com.

*not a fact.